Ensign Schanker squealed in fright. "Oh, God! Captain Schechter, Captain Schechter, they're firing on us! They're firing on us!"

The captain of the Ronald G. Barry swore under her breath. "Mr. Daly," she snapped to the helmsman, "get us the hell out of here. Emergency warp speed."

Daly began pounding furiously on his control board, but the Barry's bridge suddenly rocked violently, throwing him from his chair. Interpreting the fact that the ship had just been hit with a full phaser blast from the Schneider, the computer automatically set the ship on red alert. Red lights flashed wildly, sirens wailed, and Captain Schechter suddenly realized that her ship was in real danger.

"Ensign Goldfarb!" she yelled to the science officer. "Damage report! How badly did they hit us?"

Goldfarb's red hair was hanging in front of her face. "I can't see anything, Captain! Everything's all red!"

Schechter ground her teeth in frustration. Commander Kumar, noticing the difficulty, reminded the captain, "Well, we are at red alert."

"It's her hair, fool!" Schechter shouted at her obese first officer, who twitched.

Schanker, the tactical officer, was sobbing. "They've damaged the warp drive, Captain! We can't escape! We're dead! Oh," he wailed, looking at his instrument panel, "they're preparing to fire again!"

"Dammit!" exclaimed the captain. "Ensign Schanker, pull yourself together! Put the deflector shields up and arm our weapons. Let's give them a taste of their own medicine!"

* * *

"Did we hit them? Did we hit them?" asked Kenigsberg excitedly.

"We, duh, did, yes, sir," proclaimed Schader. "A direct hit. We've inca, duh, pacitated their main drive systems."

The bridge crew cheered, all except for Chesin and Koff; Koff was finally injecting Chesin with stimulant, and apparently relishing the moment, too, as evidenced by his lip-licking and tooth-baring.

"Good work, Lieutenant," the first officer congratulated Schader. "I see now that you've fully recovered from that altercation with Dr. Silver. Excellent. Excellent."

Schader puffed out his chest and saluted. "Duh, yes, sir," he said proudly.

Ensign Lowenstein interrupted the praise session. "Commander, the Barry is coming about. She's raised her shields and armed her weapons, sir!"

Kenigsberg lowered his eyebrows. "What did you say, Ensign? What ship is that?" Lowenstein froze. "It's the Barry, sir, the U.S.S. Ronald G. Barry. Our sister ship, sir." He pointed fearfully at Lieutenant Burstein. "The communications officer told me, sir."

Chesin, fully medicated, sprang to his feet. "What the hell is going on here?" he demanded. "We've been firing on our own damn sister ship?"

"Duh, yes, sir, Captain," answered Schader. "And now they're, duh, firing on us."

"Aaaaaauuggghhh!" screeched Ensign Lowenstein as his control panel exploded in his face. Part of the bridge ceiling then collapsed, nearly crushing the wildly gesticulating science officer, as the entire ship shook under the massive phaser fire delivered by the Barry.

A stern expression had settled onto Captain Chesin's face. Tapping his communicator briskly, he called sickbay, even as the Schneider continued to convulse under its sister ship's phaser fire. "Dr. Silver, medical emergency on the bridge."

Silver's voice could be heard over the communicator. "Yessir!" she responded smartly.

Chesin closed the channel and surveyed the situation on the bridge.

There was another explosion, nearly throwing Ensign Levine from his chair.

Chesin put a hand on Levine's shaking shoulder. "Are you all right, son?" he asked over the din.

Levine looked his commanding officer in the eye and managed a weak nod.

The captain nodded sternly. "We're all counting on you, son," he said firmly. "Don't give up on us yet."

First Officer Kenigsberg was unaware of the captain's activities, and had continued to yell orders at the bridge crew. "Mr. Schader," he was now screaming, "prepare to return fire! Mr. Levine, bring us about, full impulse power! Engineering," he continued, tapping his communicator, "we'll need all the power you can muster, Mister!"

Chief Engineer Yudt responded tartly, "I'm not a Mister, Commander Kenigsberg."

Kenigsberg was about to deliver a harsh retort when Captain Chesin approached him. The two senior officers locked eyes. "Take your seat, Commander," said Chesin slowly.

The first officer raised his chin. "Is that an order, Captain?" he said acidly.

Captain Chesin straightened up to his full height, completing his transformation from a somnolent stodge to an imposing Starfleet captain. "Damn right," he pronounced.

Kenigsberg twitched slightly. "I see," he said, and took his seat.

Chesin spun around and clapped his hands. "Very good," he declared. He was about to speak, but noticed Dr. Silver arriving on the bridge. He indicated Ensign Lowenstein, who was lying prone in front of his science console. "See what you can do with him, Doctor."

Silver rushed over to Lowenstein, medical paraphernalia out. She was joined by Nurse Koff, who had been hiding near the door to the bridge bathroom. Silver quickly took some readings using her medical scanner, then declared, "My God, he's in bad shape. Captain," she said, raising her voice, "he'll need to be brought to sickbay immediately for an eye dissection." Chesin nodded. Wasting no time, Silver and Koff each grabbed one of Lowenstein's feet and dragged him to the turbolift. "Sickbay," Silver instructed the lift.

The turbolift doors closed on Lowenstein's head, which had been dragging along the floor. "Ohhh," moaned Lowenstein. Silver and Koff awkwardly maneuvered Lowenstein's head into the lift, allowing the doors to close.

Captain Chesin cleared his throat. It was time for him to finally take charge.

Captain Schechter grabbed Ensign Schanker's uniform shirt and raised him ten centimeters in the air. "Report status, Ensign!" she demanded.

Through chattering teeth, Tactical Officer Schanker gave a short summary. "We've hit them, Captain," he whispered, trying very hard not to cry on the captain. "They're in bad shape."

A gleam appeared in Schechter's eye as she threw Schanker to the ground. "Yesssss," she hissed delightedly. "That'll teach that moron Chesin to mess with me."

"Excuse me, Captain," interjected Commander Kumar as Schechter seated herself in the captain's chair. "Why are you so happy about nearly destroying a fellow Starfleet ship? You'll most certainly be court..."

Schechter grabbed Kumar's nose.

"...martialed," continued Kumar. "Captain, why are you holding onto my nose?"

"Commander," said Schechter with deadly calm. "Shut the hell up."

Kumar considered. "Very well, Captain," he decided. Schechter released his nose.

There was a wheezing sound from the rear of the bridge, and Schechter turned around in her chair. "What is it, Lieutenant Barbera?" she asked the gasping communications officer.

Breathing shallowly, as usual, Barbera said, "Incoming, ha-ha-transmission from the ha-ha-haa-haa-haaaa..."

"Spit it out, man!" yelled Schechter.

"...Schneider," gasped Barbera.

"The Schneider is calling us?" asked Schechter.

Barbera took out a small green oxygen bottle, put the mouthpiece to his lips, and took several long, deep breaths. "Yes, Captain," he said when he had finished.

"Really," murmured Schechter. "Very well," she decided, "put Captain Chesin on the viewer."

The communications officer flipped a toggle switch. On the main viewscreen appeared the bridge of the Schneider, most of which was either aflame or in smoking ruins. Seated placidly, yet alertly, in the captain's chair was Captain Chesin. To his right was First Officer Kenigsberg.

"Greetings, Captain," said Chesin calmly. "Would you please cease firing upon us?"

Schechter rose from her chair. She gestured for Kumar to rise, also, but the fat first officer, after a few vain pushes at his chair, was unable to stand up. "Pah," she muttered.

"Excuse me, Captain?" asked Chesin politely. "Did you say something?"

Schechter directed her attention to Chesin. "Yes, I did, Captain Chesin," she said authoritatively. "I said, 'Why the hell did you fire upon my ship?'."

Chesin's mouth twitched, very slightly. "Yes, well, there seems to be a bit of confusion about that," he admitted.

Captain Schechter crossed her arms. "Perhaps Admiral Elalouf will be able to explain."

Suddenly, Chesin appeared uncomfortable. "Um, I don't think that will be possible."

Captain Schechter and Commander Kumar were aboard one of the Barry's shuttlecraft, the Gross, en route to the U.S.S. Jorge E. Schneider. Several kilometers behind, the shuttlecraft Malin was following, carrying Ensign Schanker in command of a squad of Starfleet Marines.

"I don't understand why we had to take a shuttle," protested Commander Kumar as Schechter maneuvered the tiny craft along its course. "I barely fit into these damn things. Why couldn't we just beam aboard the Schneider?"

"I told you why we had to take a shuttle," said Captain Schechter. "Didn't you hear what that damn transporter officer did? Bapat, was it? She actually tried to beam Admiral Elalouf somewhere while the Schneider's shields were up! Naturally, the admiral was killed! Now," she continued, "would you want to trust your life to somebody who was stupid enough to try to beam somebody somewhere from a ship that had its shields up?"

Kumar rubbed his chins. "I suppose not," he finally decided.

"Damn straight," asserted Schechter.

The shuttle's communication system crackled to life. "Malin to Gross," came a faint voice from the speakers. "This is Ensign Schanker. Captain, Commander, come in, please."

Schechter shook her head in annoyance. You take it, she mouthed to Kumar.

The first officer of the Barry groaned as he reached for the communicator switch. "Ohhhhhh... ah, got it." He flipped the switch. "Shuttlecraft Gross. Kumar here."

"Oh, hello, Commander," said Schanker nervously. "I have a bit of a problem."

"Shoot," said Kumar genially.

There was a slight pause on the other end. "Well, sir," began Schanker, "these Marines are really nasty, crude, rude people."

Kumar listened very carefully while Schanker wasn't talking. He thought he heard something in the background. "Ensign, is that cursing I hear back there?"

"Yes, actually, sir, it is," answered Schanker. "It's making me very... uncomfortable. I mean, these guys are really brutish sorts, you know? I don't think they'll listen to me."

Kumar cleared his throat. "Ensign," he explained, "you are the ship's chief of security. These guys are nothing more than regular mindless troops. You are in command of them, no matter how brutish they are and how much of a total and pathetic helpless wimp you are. Got it?"

"Well, when you explain it that way," said Schanker, sounding a bit more confident.

Kumar looked at Schechter, who rolled her eyes.

"I'll see you on the Schneider," said Kumar abruptly. "Gross out."

"Here we are," announced Schechter. The shuttle was approaching the hangar of the Schneider. Deftly, the captain maneuvered the Gross onto the hangar deck, and, after landing, disembarked the shuttle and shook hands with the officer waiting to greet them.

"Captain Schechter, Commander Kumar, I presume?" said the officer politely. "My name is Ensign Bapat. It's a pleasure to meet you."

"Where are we going, Ensign?" demanded Schechter, arms crossed.

Ensign Bapat was leading Captain Schechter, Commander Kumar, Ensign Schanker, and the team of Marines from the Barry through the corridors of the Jorge E. Schneider. "Captain Chesin has informed the crew that we are going to play Admiral Elalouf's farewell message, Captain Schechter," replied Bapat.

A farewell message that would have been unnecessary if you hadn't tried to beam her over to the starbase while the shields were up! thought Schechter darkly.

"Excuse me, Captain," continued Bapat, "but why did you bring along a squad of Marines? I wasn't informed as to their arrival."

Sergeant Sommers, the Marine squad leader, spoke up. "We're here to make sure you don't fire upon the Barry again, ma'am."

Ensign Schanker stopped walking and turned around to face Sommers. "Sergeant," said Schanker in a quavering voice, "you're not supposed to speak out of turn."

Sommers snorted derisively and spit at Schanker's feet.

Schanker began to shake, and would have been unable to begin walking again had it not been for fat Commander Kumar, who grabbed Schanker by the arm and began pulling him through the corridor. Sommers and his squad followed suit, marching precisely in step.

Ensign Bapat and Captain Schechter had put some distance between themselves and the rest of the contingent from the Barry. They continued to walk through the corridors. As they rounded a corner, Schechter noticed a crewperson lying, face down, on the floor.

Bapat ignored the body, stepping over it, and continued to walk until Schechter stopped her with an "Ensign, would you mind explaining this?"

Schechter, who had stopped walking indicated the body and put her hands on her hips. As Kumar, Schanker, and the Marines arrived, Bapat began to speak. "Oh, that's just Ensign Weinberg," she said dismissively, waving her arms. "She was killed during your attack... see?" she said, rolling the body over, none-too-delicately, with her foot.

Weinberg's face came into view as Bapat rolled her over. Schechter averted her eyes. "That is repulsively disgusting, Ensign Bapat," she commented. "Would you mind turning her back over?"

"Certainly, Captain." Bapat kicked Weinberg's corpse in the side, and the ensign's limp body obligingly rolled back onto its stomach.

Kumar made a great show of clearing his throat. "Ensign Bapat, may we proceed to the holodeck? We know where it is, of course, because our ship is exactly the same as this one, but, still..."

Bapat continued walking down the corridor. As Schanker walked past Weinberg's body, an uncontrollable shiver passed through him. Sommers, as he passed Weinberg, gave the dead ensign a Marine salute, then kicked her. Each of the five Marines, as they passed, did the same.

Ensign Bapat turned a corner and indicated a large set of heavy double doors.