Assembled around the table in the Schneider's briefing room were Commander Kenigsberg, Lieutenant Burstein of Communications, Ensign Levine of Navigation, Lieutenant Commander Yudt of Engineering, Dr. Silver of Medicine, and Ensign Lowenstein of Science. In a corner of the room stood Security Chief Schader, who was helping a groggy Captain Chesin to stand. Presiding over the group of officers was Vice-Admiral Elalouf, seated regally at the head of the table.

"All right, Admiral," began Kenigsberg. "What the devil is going on here? I would like to know two things."

Elalouf raised her chin slightly. "Proceed," she intoned.

Kenigsberg tried to avoid forming his lips into a frown, but was only partially successful. He snorted in disgust and then began to speak. "First: Why have you taken command of the Schneider? Surely any mission involving this ship can't be too important."

The vice-admiral inclined her head, looking for all the world like a parakeet entranced by a new chew-toy. "I don't understand," she said, obviously puzzled.

Commander Kenigsberg blew air out from between his teeth but was able to exert sufficient self-control so as to avoid punching the female admiral in the teeth. "The Schneider is neither a large battleship nor a sophisticated science ship, Admiral," he explained pedantically. "We are simply an all-purpose medium-duty cruiser, capable of only moderate speed, moderate range, and moderate fighting ability."

"Actually, Commander, that's not entirely correct," interjected Lieutenant Commander Yudt. Pushing her extremely long blond tresses away from her face, the chief engineer said, "With my modifications, the Schneider can perform just as well as any Knoetgen-class battle cruiser."

If you weren't getting your hair stuck in the engines all the time, you simple-minded little twit, thought Kenigsberg darkly. Out loud he said, "Yes, quite."

Admiral Elalouf favored the Schneider's first officer with a nod. "You are correct, Commander," she pronounced, finally understanding why Kenigsberg had brought that up in the first place. "But this situation is far too delicate and urgent to await the arrival of heavier artillery."

Kenigsberg's eyes widened. "So there is some sort of urgency!"

Elalouf nodded. "Indeed. The Starfleet Chemistry Corps believes it has discovered a large natural deposit of quadrotritilithium, and we need to investigate it immediately."

"Why immediately, Admiral?" asked Kenigsberg.

The admiral shifted her weight in her chair. "We-ell, we're not quite sure, but we think a hostile agent might be trying to claim the quadrotritilithium deposit as well... and we simply must get there first. OQEC is draining Starfleet's funds; we need our own supply."

Security Chief Schader, who had thus far been standing silently in the corner of the conference room, propping a sleepy Captain Chesin up, suddenly came to life. Dropping the captain to the ground unceremoniously, Schader drew his phaser, yelling "Fight! Fight!"

The briefing had been adjourned by Admiral Elalouf. As the bridge crew, most of whom had remained absolutely silent during the heated exchange between Admiral Elalouf and Commander Kenigsberg, returned to their posts, a medical team carted a now-unconscious Captain Chesin to sickbay. Kenigsberg had thought about disciplining Lieutenant Schader for his unprofessional outburst, but had dismissed the idea for a single reason: He just didn't like Chesin, and like an old Earth carbonated beverage commercial, he never had, and he never would.

For a while, Kenigsberg and the rest of the bridge crew had sat in complete silence on the bridge, watching the stars fly by. During that time, while Admiral Elalouf was mercifully kept busy with official matters in her cabin, Kenigsberg pondered his career. By the time Ensign Levine had called out with a "We're approaching Starbase 25, Commander," Kenigsberg had decided that this mission could well be the stepping stone to a legitimate captaincy.

Swelled with confidence and pride, Kenigsberg tapped his communicator badge. "Bridge to Elalouf," he said crisply.

There was a scuffling sound, and Kenigsberg could swear that he heard Elalouf whisper a "Be quiet!" before she came on the channel. "Yes, Commander?" she inquired, sounding completely out of breath.

Kenigsberg was sure he heard a male voice in the background, and voiced his suspicion even as he told Elalouf what he had called to tell her. "We're approaching the starbase, Admiral... excuse me, Admiral, but didn't you say you were going to be busy with, uh, 'official business'?"

Elalouf swore under her breath, and muttered something to her as-yet-unidentified male companion: "Get dressed and get the hell out of here, Ensign." She raised her voice and addressed Kenigsberg. "I have been very busy working with some of the Schneider's crew on a, uh, special project," she said, faltering only a little bit.

Kenigsberg smiled tightly. "I see," he said, clearly amused. "Well, Admiral, your presence is requested on the bridge... at your leisure, of course."

The vice-admiral cleared her throat nervously. "Yes, thank you, Commander. Elalouf out."

Commander Kenigsberg turned to address Lieutenant Burstein, but as he began to speak he noticed Burstein hurriedly hitting his control panel. Caught in the act of whatever it was he was doing, Burstein swiveled around to look Kenigsberg in the face. The communications officer blushed; it was plain that he was ashamed of whatever he was doing.

Kenigsberg deduced the situation immediately. "Lieutenant Burstein," he said authoritatively. "Were you using the Schneider's comm system to listen in on Admiral Elalouf's cabin?"

Burstein began to stammer, "Well, you see, sir, I was... I was... that is, I was...," but was, mercifully, interrupted by Ensign Levine from the helm: "Commander, we're here."

Kenigsberg, thoroughly disgusted by this point, turned his attention away from the completely humiliated communications officer and looked at the main viewer. "Ensign Levine," he announced, addressing the helmsman, "prepare to slow to sublight speed."

Levine nodded, and as he pushed the appropriate buttons on his control panel, he began to think of all the plants he could be seeing had he joined the botany corps.

Oblivious to Levine's ruminations, Kenigsberg again activated his communicator. "Bridge to Engineering," he called. "Commander Yudt, come in, please."

"This is Yudt," came a female voice. It was somewhat strained, and the chief engineer wasted no time in explaining why: "Sir, my hair is stuck in the matter converter again."

Kenigsberg ignored her; he had gradually become accustomed to the fact that Commander Yudt's hair would perpetually be caught in some part of the engineering machinery of the Schneider. "Commander," he declared, "we have arrived at Starbase 25. Disengage the warp drive and activate the impulse engines."

"I'll try to reach them from here, Captain," responded Yudt.

As the chief engineer's moans and groans began to be heard through Kenigsberg's communicator, the first officer yelled, "I am not the captain, Engineer! This is the first officer speaking!"

Yudt's only response was a grunt as she tried to reach the engine control panel.

Kenigsberg, disgusted, closed the channel, even as Ensign Levine announced, "Commander, the warp drive has come off-line. We are now under impulse power."

"Good," said Kenisgberg. As he rearranged himself in the command chair, Vice-Admiral Elalouf, who still appeared to be somewhat out of breath, walked out of the aft turbolift, accompanied by Captain Chesin, who himself was accompanied by Nurse Koff from sickbay. Koff held aloft a small hypospray, and Kenigsberg could tell from the color of the syringe's contents that the stimulant Koff carried was strong enough to keep Chesin awake for weeks. Kenigsberg sighed as Chesin strode over and assumed command.

Captain Chesin, Commander Kenigsberg, and Admiral Elalouf seated themselves in the captain's chair, the first officer's chair, and the visiting admiral's chair, respectively. Koff, ready to inject Chesin with stimulant at any time, stood between Kenigsberg and Chesin, staring resolutely at Chesin's arm, waiting for the opportunity to use his hypospray.

Chesin looked at the viewscreen, which was black. "Visual, please," he said.

Ensign Lowenstein, at the science/operations console, acknowledged the order by pressing several buttons on his control panel. The screen remained black, but suddenly the red-alert sirens went off and the bridge was bathed in red light. "Red alert!" screamed the computer. "Red alert! Man your battle stations!"

"What the hell is going on here?" yelled Kenigsberg, infuriated. Captain Chesin looked at Admiral Elalouf in confusion. The admiral sighed and shrugged.

"Sorry, sir!" exclaimed Lowenstein. "I hit the wrong buttons! " After several more frantic moments of button-pushing, the sirens and lights went out and the viewer came on...

...to reveal another starship hanging in space between the Schneider and the starbase.

"Back to red alert, dammit!" screamed Kenigsberg, leaping to his feet. "Put the deflector shields up! Mister Schader, arm phaser banks and photon torpedoes. Lock on to the hostile vessel and prepare to fire!"

Schader clapped his hands together and began to enter the appropriate commands into his computer console, all the while murmuring "Oh boy!"

"I don't think you want to do that, Commander," admonished Elalouf.

"Excuse me, but what's going on here?" asked Chesin plaintively. He looked to Nurse Koff in confusion, but received only a sadistic smile in return as the nurse prepared to inject Chesin with stimulant.

"Shields, duh, in place, Commander," Schader excitedly informed Kenigsberg.

Kenigsberg narrowed his eyes. "Stand by to fire all weapons."

Vice-Admiral Elalouf wearily shook her head from side to side. "I don't think you want to do that, Commander," she said, more to herself than anyone else.

* * *

"Just what the hell do they think they are doing?" demanded Captain Schechter.

"I have no idea, Captain," replied First Officer Kumar, thoughtfully placing his hands on his massive belly as he lazily reclined in his chair. "It appears as though they consider us a hostile vessel. They've raised their shields and are preparing to fire upon us."

I guess Chesin really is all the idiot he's been made out to be, thought Schechter angrily. Out loud she said, "Lieutenant Barbera, open a hailing frequency."

The communications officer flipped a switch on his board. "Haa-haa-hailing frequency ha-ha-open," he gasped.

"Attention Jorge E. Schneider," Schechter spoke, barely able to restrain her rage. "This is Captain Schechter of the U.S.S. Ronald G. Barry. Just what the hell do you think you're doing?" There was no response; the image of the belligerent Schneider remained on the viewscreen. Schechter was able to make out the glow of the Schneider's phaser banks. Indignant, she jumped to her feet and balled her hands into fists. "Stand down your weapons and shields! We're here to help you, dammit!"

* * *

Aboard the Schneider, Lieutenant Burstein listened intently to his earpiece. His eyes slowly widened as he heard Schechter's transmission from the Barry. Alarmed, he tried to get Chesin's attention. "Captain? Captain?"

Chesin looked as though he might have been about to respond, but Kenigsberg stepped between them. "Shut up, Lieutenant," he said menacingly. "We're at battle stations here. You will maintain complete radio silence."

Burstein tried to protest. "Yes, Commander, but, you see, I'm receiving a transmission..."

"Save it, Burstein," said Kenigsberg, and smiled as he continued: "Mr. Schader, fire!"

Admiral Elalouf was neither tense, worried, nor frightened at the interchange between Kenigsberg and Burstein. By now, she had simply come to be resigned to the fact that such actions were the norm aboard the Schneider.

She listened to the orders Kenigsberg rattled off, and although she didn't hear every single word, she understood that the power-hungry commander was preparing the Schneider for battle. Fool, thought Elalouf. Why would he fire upon the Barry?

Kenigsberg appeared to be ordering Schader to prepare to fire. Chesin was looking weakly about the bridge, trying to determine what was going on. Koff was grinning ear-to-ear and holding his hypospray high in the air; the red red-alert lights intensified his sinister expression. Lowenstein was sitting at the science/operations console; stiff as a board, he was too scared to move. Ensign Levine was twitching uncontrollably; tears were streaming down his eyes. Lieutenant Burstein also looked as though he was about to cry.

The admiral had had enough. She simply couldn't risk her sanity any longer. Besides, it looked as though Kenigsberg was about to go completely mad and blow up the Schneider's sister ship. Surreptitiously, amid the general confusion and loud red-alert sirens of the bridge, Elalouf tapped her communicator badge.

"Elalouf to main transporter room," she whispered.

There was a brief pause, then the channel opened, and she heard "Main transporter room. Ensign Bapat here."

Elalouf breathed a small sigh of relief. "Ensign, prepare for an immediate site-to-site transport. Beam me over to Starbase 25. Now."

The admiral could hear the confusion in Bapat's voice as the ensign answered. "Uh, now, Admiral? We're currently at battle stations, and, from the looks of it, we're about to fire upon the hostile."

Elalouf snorted in disgust. "That's not a hostile vessel, you simpleminded... look, Ensign, this is a direct order. Beam me over to the starbase. Now."

Bapat hesitated. "Uh, you see, Admiral, we have the shields up now, and we can't use the transporter while the shields are up, so you'd probably better wait..."

The admiral's face reddened. She plucked the communicator badge from her uniform shirt and held it directly in front of her mouth as she thundered, "Beam me over NOW, Ensign! NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW!"

"Yes, Admiral," Bapat finally responded. Satisfied, the admiral pocketed her loose communicator and dematerialized.

"Oh, my God!" screamed Lowenstein upon the admiral's beamout. "Admiral Elalouf has been disintegrated by the enemy ship!"

Chesin blinked. "What was that, Mr. Lowenstein?"

Kenigsberg spun round. "Those bastards!" he bellowed. "Mr. Schader, I thought I gave you the order to blast them from space!"

Schader smiled coldly. "Duh, quite right, sir, quite right. Firing all weapons... now."